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{January 3, 2009}   Three Days IN

We are now in our 3rd day of 2009.  I am so bored.  Tired…..I think it may be due to some stress.

I had struggles with my thoughts today.  I thought of how I only have so many more weeks of  unemployment.  How I would NOT like to have to give my youngest to his father for him to rise.  Truthfully, I love my boys.  I want to provide a great home and give them all they need and more, but I can’t do that without work.  The enemy has been toying with my mind.  It has been a battle.  BUT what I remembered is this, "’…For I know the plans I have for you’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.  I will be found by you,’ says the Lord. ‘I will END your captivity and restore your fortunes…’" Found in Jeremiah 29: 11-14.  I have felt as though I have been in a prison or captive in this town where I live.  I have no life really.  I try to get involved with the surrounding community, but truth is I just don’t feel as though this is my home.  I have friends and good neighbors.  In the next town I have a wonderful church and more friends there as well.  I even get involved with that community too.  But since I have been unemployed, there is not much money to go out and about visiting and doing.  Gas takes money.   Then, when I have my child or children, there is the expense of ensuring they eat if the outing is too long and no time to make it home to cook. 

I guess what I am saying; I do NOT know what my future holds.  I do not know who will hire me or when.  I do not know when a buyer will show interest in this home.  I have an idea of where I would like to move for a few reasons.  Truth is known, only GOD himself knows what I will be doing, where I will end up, and with whom meaning YEARS from now if I will marry.  As it is, I am not dating.  I have friends.  I even have 3 male Christian friends whom I find interesting.  Only ONE has my heart.  The oddest thing is, this ONE said he was dating another, but in our last conversation gives a statement which would lead one to believe there is yet a possibility, but he speaks in riddles.  I am beginning to think of him as a riddler, he never gives a straight forward response.  LOL.    REALITY is I do not know who GOD has for me.  BEFORE I go off on a tangent to explain how God puts the desires in our hearts and soul (mind).  Let me finish this story in Jeremiah, it came across very interesting.  Everyone who quotes the above scriptures leaves out the fact that this group of people this letter was written to were casted into exile, elders, priests, prophets, and all the people who had been exiled to Babylon by King Nebuchadnezzar.  Both important officials and normal people had been deported from Jerusalem.  Jeremiah who wrote the letter was in Jerusalem and sent the letter via Elasah.  The letter began, "The Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, sends this message to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem." Jeremiah 29:4.  NOTICE the word "he".  The letter goes on to say to the people that while they are captives in Babylon they are to build homes, plant gardens, to marry and bare children.  To plan to stay.  Not to just waste away, but to LIVE and PRAY, also to pray for the city where they were held captive.  I will quote this part, "..for if Babylon has peace, so will you," verse 7 of chapter 29.    The message goes onto say that they would remain there in Babylon for 70 years. BUT GOD gives them a promise, this promise, "’But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again.  For I know the plans I have for you.’ says the Lord."  So I asked the Lord what He was telling me today in my emotional, spiritual battle today.  I have been captive here in McQueen (otherwise known as Gould) and Duke, but to trust Him to keep his promise to me.  You see this morning I thought really negative thoughts, which are lies from the enemy.  Like:  What if you end up as a cook some where or on the street?  What if you can’t keep paying the bills?  What if you …blah blah blah.  So I spoke out telling the Devil to get behind me and calling on the name of Jesus.  I have hope for good things in my life NOT because I am good nor due to any reason of being worthy, but because HE loves me and He wants good things for me.

Later in this passage it says that those who stayed in Jerusalem suffered. "Your relatives who were not exiled to Babylon.  This is what the Lord Almighty says, ‘I will send war, famine, and disease upon them and make them like rotting figs, too bad to eat.’"  Jeremiah 29:16-17. Yes, it goes on to tell the horror they will suffer.   So exile may appear as a bad thing based on the definition of the word, but here it is revealed that these people in exile were being protected, it was for their own good.  In my life, by returning to this area I feel trapped.  It has proven to be a bad choice in my career due to the instability around here for that particular career field.  YET!!  Spiritually I have grown a lot.  This morning I remembered a position where I worked with a company for like five years and even worked myself up into management, Mazzio’s Pizza.  LOL. That was many moons ago!!  Then later I was in management at Taco Bell, but due to tragedy in my marriage, I was forced to move into what is known as a "safe" house and was not allowed to go to work.  My first born and I were in what the legal system calls "hide out."  It was for a short period of time.  My ex-husband had started physically abusing me and this was the legal system’s way of protecting me and my son.  Month’s later, about a year or so, my ex-husband changed; he then become no threat, but the damage was done.  Anyway, I was able to attend college.  Right out of college had a great job offer to go to Raleigh, NC, but due to my own bad choice thinking God wanted me to come home to mend my relationship with my family when the truth is He could have healed that relationship no matter where I lived. I came home out of fear or to runaway.   I was getting tired of seeing the man I loved with different girls, although we still had our family get together(s) and I was praying for reconciliation.  I feared moving to another strange town alone, now that I had my son, my first, who was 3 at the time I had this job offer.  When I was single, moving to another territory was not scary.  Today not scary either.  I do not know how my life would be if I had chosen that path. To be honest I will never know.  All I know is that I came home.   I felt as though God wanted me to mend my relationship with my family and the fact it was 100’s of miles from the one man I loved but kept hurting me.  GOD did answer the prayer many in my life to include myself had prayed.  My ex reconciled with me and moved here to be with me.  My career never got off the ground nor has it provided the stability I thought it would.  But my marriage was good, so I thought.  My husband, now my ex, and I had a second child.  He asked me to stay home to raise him.  I did, although more misery took place, and he reverted to his not so good behavior.  To make a long story short, the marriage is over. He is remarried and seems happy.  I am happy for him.  My relationship with my parents and siblings has improved tremendously.  My EX and I are communicating very well, and I pray it lasts.  A year ago now, I began praying asking God whether to move out of this town into the city to be closer to my son, or stay here and assume this mortgage.  About three months after I began to pray, communication began to pick up with a friend.  We later met and became close.  So now my prayer changed.  I was now asking GOD, please make clear what I am to do, I did not want to move to the city for the wrong reasons.  You see now not only did my son live there, but this guy who has my heart does too.  I allowed confusion.  I chose to stay here out of fear of making the wrong choice. I used the money I had saved for a family trip to California this summer. I had every intention of staying put. Just days before the finalization of me signing the second set of assumption papers assuming the mortgage to this house, my job came to an end.  So I just knew it was time to pack up and move.  I feel as though the city is where I should go. I have set a goal for the city, and must not allow doubt to creep in.  Nor distraction or diversions like going elsewhere. 

I guess I am sharing this so I won’t come across as being conceded or as though I deserve a better life, but I believe GOD to keep his promise and His Word to be true.

You see, I had planned to stay here in this small almost dead town.  I knew I would never meet a guy around here.  Every decent guy around his is married; there are no single guys due to working too hard or their ambition.  Most of the guys around here are single due to being players, drunks, druggies, or cheaters, in my age group that is.  So, I had every intention of growing old alone and staying in the job I had, not using the skills God has blessed me with or the intelligence.  I was simply going to be content doing the same routine day in and day out as a bookkeeper.  Nothing requiring the use of anything GOD had trained me to do, nor did it take much brain power.  I was going to sign the assumption paper taking over the 26 now 25 year mortgage.  BUT things did not go as planned.  WHY?  Because God did not want me to grow old alone in this house that feels like a prison.  He did not want me to stay hiding out in hole where no one can see me or know me. God has blessed me with the full ownership of the house via the deed, so I do have it up for sell.  But I must still maintain the payment although it is not in my name, but my ex’s.  I do pray it sells quickly.  So I can pay the mortgage off and get moved to where God is leading.  My savings is gone.  I need a miracle.

I sometimes wondered why the city, my oldest is about old enough to move off to college and then what?  So I began praying asking God about this. Via my last visit with my oldest, we talked about colleges.  He said he and one of his friends wanted to attend OU, which is in Norman.  I found peace about aiming for the city.  That was God’s way of telling me, not to loose hope.  Chris also wants to study the ocean or join the Navy.  My friend is there yes, but unless he pursues me, I am not going to worry about anything more then friendship.  Yes, I will take my son(s) to his dodge ball night.  My youngest keeps asking me over and over, "Mom, when is dodge ball?"  Rather now that he has learned the days of the week, he says, "Mom, it is Tuesday, dodge ball! Can we go?"  It will be good for them to go.  My friend shares God’s Word and fellowships with the youth.  I have prayed about a few that I met in his group.  If God willing, I may try to do what I can to be of use in his youth group, but I will not concern myself now with that.  God has a great man doing great things for that bunch of kids, and he is doing well.  God’s favor is upon him.  Things will work themselves out as time goes on.  I do not expect anything from this friend of mine.  What I have learned is to simply let God’s light shine no matter where I am at or what I am doing.  Oh there are those time I fail.  Like in today’s struggle, I struggled because I was allowing myself to listen to the enemy’s lies contemplating whether they were true, which brought in doubt, discouragement, and defeat. BUT Christ is with me and provides strength. God has even forgiven me for the sin of allowing these things to enter my life today and corrected my way of thinking.  Because He sent the Holy Spirit I have a counsel and understanding.  BUT Because I have Christ in me, He will help me.  "He that is in me is greater then he that is in the world!!!"

Well, I must go clean the boys’ bathroom.  I hope you all are having a great day.

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